Goals

It's 12:49 am and i feel lonely...as always.
My goals for this summer would be to:
- lose 10 kg
- improve on my chinese
- get a job
- improve on maths
- learn to play the guitar better
- be more beautiful.




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Aiya, this is so boring.
I want some1 to talk to, I want a best friend again. Someone i can cling to, a person that wont mind me bugging them.
I hope things go well this summer, 'cause things aren't going so well rite now.
I miss Andrea already :/
I miss all the people that were with me till morning.
I wonder if smoking a pack a day will make me die faster...I really dont wanna live.

Hope this summer goes well, If im lucky i could get a boyfrend >_<
I should also catch up with some book and personal project.
Ohshit, there r so much to do...

Backhere...

Ugh i feel fuckin tipsy, my head is spinning...
Hahahaha the smoke is gettin in my eye and it's my 4th one, and i promised to stop at the 2nd one. The irony of it all.
So glad i can finally be alone, a place where i can write watever i want, without ppl looking...feels so relaxing.
Ugh im feelin dizzy, i wonder y...my head is like spinning @_@ but i dun wanna lay down.

Things have changed so fast, but i dun feel like i've changed (strange)...i think the only ppl tht think i've changed is Mon&Lauren. They piss me off. I hate it when i feel like im being taken cared of without knowing. I hate feeling like im the bad one. I hate it when they try to change me. I hate making them worry. I hate feeling guilty.I hate it when ppl say their "disappointed"...HAHAH FUCK THT! I DISAPPOINT EVERY BLOODY PERSON! THT'S WHAT/WHO I AM! My head is banging from being mad...i should probably stay calm or play some loud music so i dont hear myself think.
Ahh~ Thank God for Hawk Nelson's music -grin-
I wonder wat i should do now...i dun wanna talk to Mark,gayass saying how he met me for the first time, he thought i was rly pretty and too shy to talk to me. And he is saying when i have a problem talk to him....HAHAAHAH TALK TO HIM?!?!? XD wat a joke, i never talked to him b4 and dun even know him...Pfft, boyz >_>
Boyz r flirting with me so much these days, they all say the exact same thing...how tiring having to play along and being all cute-sy. I wonder y i dun feel grateful? i mean they think im pretty rite? but y dun i think so? y dun i feel like i have the chance? y dun i give each of em a chance? y am such a fuckin pessimist? HAHAHA my head is messin with me now.
Fuck mark, now he wants my number...should i give him?....Ah shit, i gave him. These boys r annoying me, my phone bill is gonna cost a fortune now. I wish they would lay off. It's not like i flirted with any of them, never even talked to any of em...wat the hell.

I wonder how Mon is doing, she must be rly bz, too bz to talk to me. I wonder if her dads ok, she never talked about it with me and i dun think she wants to talk about it...at least not with me. Ohwell~ she and lauren were always closer to each other. Cant break tht bond. Maybe she might have told lauren.
I wonder if lauren's ok...Billy likes her, hahaha. Idk y i feel kinda sad, maybe he picked lauren over me...well lauren is worth more then me, kinda expected. Hope it works out for both of them. Nothing i can do, im a sister to Billy and no more a best frend to lauren, i basically have no rite to get in between them.

Hai~ their both so determined and righteous in their different way. I wonder if i'll ever be like them?
I sometimes feel like im not allowed to be angry at them, it's like they always find a way to to change words and make them seem as their rite. Tht's y im kinda scared of both of em. Both so smart, unlike me. Maybe tht's y they treat me as a baby...baby=fucking idiot.
I love them both, but at the same time...I despise them so much. Is tht rite? I feel like such a bith XD here i am bitching about my frendz, who probably dun treat me as one...haha fuck tht. who would wanna be my frend?
I just hate it when their both together, i feel different, like an outcast, a fail, a loser, a fuck-up, a bitch. This is how i feel when im with them. Especially when we argue, it's so heart-breaking.
They scar me more then any1 else, i wonder if i should ever talk about it with them? Hahah no. They would never understand and we would just argue again, and i would cry and i would have to pretend i was okay with it, but it's already scarred into my heart. Deeper then any1 would know or understand. Gosh, im so messed up.
I wonder wat they talked about me tht nite...tht was such a nightmare, i wanted to ask, but they would never say so i had to force myself to forget...sadly, i cant. I wonder if they knew i was crying in the toilet while they were talkin about me, nah~ they wouldn't, they didn't give a shit, since they didn't ask if i was ok or shit.
if i argue with them, it's like lauren will automatically side with mon...how heart-breaking, i pretend it's ok, i try and say "Hey, they've been frendz for so long, of course they would be more close"
Im always fucking left alone. Still am probably will always be.

I dun wanna talk about them. They make my mood sour.
But y do i still love them?....words aren't enough to explain i guess.

Im so dizzyy...whoooooooooooooooooo!
So glad i made new frendz..they make me feel safe. Im glad i met all of them ,their awesome ppl. I wish ppl would not judge them so easily by just appearences.
Purdy is so cool, we're so alike...we got so close in just 2 days, she is so different then wat i thought she would be.
I've been wondering if mon would accept all of me, since she's my best frend? recently i've been feeling like she's ridiculing me...especially on FB; my pics, comments etc. I dun mind, since i know she cares abt me...but i feel like she is toying with my patience...y ridicule me on FB- it's public, y not in private? IDK, wat she's thinkin, she never tells me anything...she might as well go tell everything to Lauren, their so alike...i have nothing in common with them, their proabably fed up with me.
There's no1 to talk to...no1 tht would undestand. Tht's y it's so sad, i have to come here just to get my feelings outs...FML.
Argh, i should stop bitching abt them ._. i never do tht in real life, y start here?

listening to Owl city, so soothing (:
I should probably stop talkin, i wanna smoke...im gettin addicted.SHIT.i have to control, i never thought i'd be addicted..ohwell, i rather smoke then cut myself.

I should probably stop talkin...i've been typing random shit...so long x_x
I needa prepare for 2morrow, going out with Jacaranda peeps. I needa pick an outfit. Fuck. Need money. Im so poor these days x_x i have no money on me.

Gonna go shower. Dunno when i'd come back here again. Proabably soon, im gussing. Ohwell, until next time~

Boredism is a disease.

SOOO BORED! x_x
Im in ICT class && Im suppose to be doing my work :P ohwell~
Hahaha, Tiffany is gettin pissed off coz the computer freezes and shuts down itself whenever she goes on the internet xP
Im sooo bored x_x i keep thinkin of the random-est of things like....
. Like how i can help the poor/needy.
. Curtis is lookin more like a monkey each time i look at him =D
. New guy is such a racist, i wanna bash him.
. Audrey is half korean, WAT A SHOCKER! she's quite pretty (:
. Samuel's drawing looks like a dolphin
. Mon.... @_@
. My hair is soo messy, wanna fix it but cant coz no mirror ):
........................................................&& blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah...............................................
Goes on and on. Enough about me.


School News:
Jack Chan&&Edith r dating...Wtf eww? o_O
Cherie&&James r dating...well their both ugly so i dont blame them for being attracted to each other.
Kt is like skipping classes and school. If she keeps tht up, she's gonna get in trouble.
Tiffany was just reading my blog -_-
Raphael confessed to Tiffany Pang...since when did he have the balls to confess?
Rachel is gettin a lot of haters.
Im gettin more popular as ppl tell me >_> i dun think so...
Guess tht's it for now.

Ohya~ almost forgot...Sparky like won this cute doggy competition. And these ppl r coming at 3 to like take videos of him and the house(wierd) and we get free stuff( i dun knowwat)...too bad i wont be there to see them video. But! their coming back at 8 to take pics of me with Sparky, so wierddd :P but exciting at the same time.

Hahaha me and tiffany were juz talkin abt Mon...XDD

Gott go now :P gettinkicked of my Miss.Phan, Aurevoir~

I hate ants.

The war broke.
I lost 2 times. I stood my ground and fought till blood shed.
I lost in everyway.
My opponenet has outgrown me, learnt my tactics and killed me.
I lay there defeated, in tears...the pain of my fingers, my head, my heart.
Im once blamed for it all. Im useless, a troublemaker, a nuisence, put it simply...im just an annoying bug that deseves to die.
Hahahaha, it hurts so much that it's becoming funny, I wonder how many times I've heard those words about me. I rather be deaf then hear such things about me.
Oh no...The ants are invading my heart again. What should I do? Their crawling all over it, It's making it hard for me to breath, Im suffocating...I feel dizzy.
I passed out for a moment and I was possessed by something else.
My whole body aches with pain and misery.
I look so ugly, Is it possible to be so young and yet feel so old?
My face is buried under the tears and the pain.
What should I do? Im scared.
Ouch...my fingers hurt, their bleeding.
My hair keeps falling out every 10 second. Im gonna be bald.
I lost again.
The Devil took over.
I finally know the feeling of a sharp object brushing over my weak skin. It's a sweet pain, It feels good.
I have a mark on my wrist now. It's all pink. But for even just a minute, It took me away from my heart ache.
So what if this is a taboo...No one wants me anymore. Im just gooing ot get into more trouble after 2day.
When I wanted to talk to you....where were u?
I had no1 else but you...I felt like you abandoned me. I needed you the most, you were the only one who said such beautiful things about me, when I wanted to hear them the most...They were nowhere to be found.
Ohwell..Shouldn't I be use to this?
Use to not telling any1 about this...use to no1 to talk to...use to hiding my true face. It's repulsive.

Shit. my neck hurts.FUCK! im bleeding again...ARGH! y is my hair falling everytime i brush it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Is this some round i need to pass to see if im ready for the world?
I cant put up with this, I think im gonna lose to myself b4 i come to my senses.



God, I know you love me.
I cant be by ur side.
I have dirtied myself too much.
I sided with the Devil.
Im sorry.

Reborn Once Again

Ahhh! I love the feeling of sleeping, that's when you let down your guard down, it's juz peaceful isn't it?
If I could be any animal...I would probably want to be a Koala, they just sleep and eat and nothing else. How great a life would that be then a human, all the complicated feelings we have, all the ridiculous arguments we bring up, how naive we really r......How repulsive we r.
Waking up is like fallin from Heaven straight down to Hell. I cant fall back to sleep anymore, Why not just let me sleep for another hour to let me dream of the Impossible's?
Oooohh! No wonder, I've been asleep for already 30 Mins since that incident.
I hate waking up...I really do. Especially waking up to the quietness, It's terrifying and puzzling. I have to deal with it, move on and just get over it like i always tell myself to do. How Lonely us humans r, no matter what we do...we're always having the feeling of lonliness and insecurity no? No point telling any1 rite? Coz no1 can understand u better then urself, It makes me sick to think that people understand others...there is no such thing. Ugh! here I go again, I let the shadows within me take over...Wish my smile&laughter could mask my true colours.

New Life (: